Learning to Say No

I admire all my associates who just say No.

When a client or friend asks them for that little extra something, they sometimes graciously decline. They know exactly where their boundaries are, in business and in their personal lives, and they honor them.

I'm learning that skill - it's about time. I've always been the person who would do whatever it took to please everyone. One hundred hour weeks to pick up the extra load at a client's? No problem. When a client asks for that little extra something, I add it to my list and keep right on running.

We have to draw boundaries to be successful. 

I know this is true. I advise my clients to draw their boundaries with their customers, partners and even their employees. I've seen what overextending our resources can do to a business. Sometimes it's the right thing to do. But overextending isn't a sustainable approach to winning business and influencing friends.

What makes it so hard for some of us to say No?

For me, it comes from childhood training. I was expected to do more, be more, deliver more than anyone else around. I was a gifted child in a very small town. So everyone  knew I was different. The teachers pointed to me as the kid for others to model. To keep me from being a snot, my Mom told me God gave me extra special blessings to share with everyone, or He'd be displeased. My Dad expected me to be perfect - or else.

 I do believe I was successful as a consultant because I went the extra mile, gave my clients so much more value than they expected - or paid for. I also helped out every broken-winged bird that came my way, from friends and family to people I met in business. I took everyone under my wing, supporting them and ignoring my own needs. Finally, my inability to say No led to my big time physical burn out. At age 47, I went down hard. Four years later I'm just beginning to come back.

We all need to draw boundaries.

Maybe it's saying No to one more request from our biggest, and neediest, customer. Or limiting how far we go to keep that key partner engaged.  Perhaps we can walk away from that big opportunity that we know has a good chance of bringing our entire business to its knees.  Maybe it's as simple as offering to help an employee learn to do something for themselves instead of picking up the slack.

I was always proud of being the go-to-girl. Now, my own best interests are part of the mix as I continue to serve those around me.  It's funny.  As I learn to draw my boundaries, my friends and clients seem to respect me more as well. 

Comments

[ava diamond (@feistywoman)]

One of my favorite lines to use is, "I'm sorry, but I have another commitment." Very often that commitment is simply to my own well being.

It gets me out of a lot of thing other people think I should do/attend/be a part of.

Shhhh....don't tell them my secret : )

[Joan Koerber-Walker]

Excellent post Rebel.

It is wonderful to want to help others and to go the extra mile BUT, if you do not take care of yourself first, you will not have any energy to give to others.

Setting boundaries is an excellent start. The next step is to establish metrics for the value of the time and effort you give to others based on measurable benefits. Then, when you give the extra effort, everyone can measure the results and your gift is appreciated all the more.